Let's never get out of bed

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Each week, CASSIUS’ resident sex expert Glamazon Tyomi answers questions from clients and fans. This week, she addresses a man eager to receive advice about how to admit a sexual desire to his girlfriend that he’s been hiding for quite some time.


Dear Tyomi,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for the work that you do. Your advice and videos online have helped me accept myself, and my sexuality. The reason I’m writing you is because I need your help. I have been holding on to a secret that has been eating me up for years, and I have no idea how to tell my girlfriend. We have been together for two years now and I love her dearly, but I also enjoy having sex with men. Before I got with her, I fooled around with guys while dating women. Once I met her and we started dating seriously, I stopped completely to focus on giving her all of my attention. I don’t classify myself as a gay man or even bisexual. I just enjoy having sex with men from time to time. I love having sex with my girlfriend. The sex is bomb AF. But, I feel like there is a part of my sexuality that I’m not able to express because I’ve been holding on to this secret and not acting on it. How can I tell my girl that I want to have an open relationship where I’m allowed to sleep with men? 


MSM (Man Who Sleeps With Men) in Waiting


Hey MSM in Waiting,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m happy I can help you feel more confident within your sexuality. In reference to how to tell your girl you want to have sex with men while still maintaining a relationship with her, there are a few things you need to know.

1. It’s most important that you become unattached to the outcome of how this conversation will end. There isn’t anything you can say or do to get her to be okay with your desires of being in an open relationship. It’s up to her. If you are holding any expectation, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment because the outcome is uncertain.

2. Remember that the extent of how far this relationship goes after you open up to her is dependent on her openness. She has the power of decision to either be open to your desires, or leave the relationship.

So remember your purpose in why you’re revealing this secret in the first place: to live authentically.

Now, on to how you can drop this bomb on her. The only way to tell her you want to sleep with men is to be straight up honest about the vision you have for your relationships. Keep it 1000 with her. Tell her everything you want. You can choose to have a face to face conversation with her or send her an email, just remember to send your message from the perspective of respect and not judgement—of yourself or your girl. When you deliver your message, be open to however she responds.

She may not respond at all.  She may curse you out. She may have dozens of questions for you. She may be interested in creating a new dynamic in your relationship. Her questions will most definitely be centered around your attraction to her and the sincerity of your commitment to your relationship. If she asks you questions, answer them honestly.  If she is open to letting you be free to have sex with men, this is the time to bring up the idea of an open relationship. Laying it all out there for her to digest in one sitting may be a lot for her to handle, but it is necessary to be in an authentic relationship.

Keeping it 100: Be prepared to leave your relationship behind if she isn’t okay with being with a man who sleeps with men (MSM). And also be prepared for how to change the form of your relationship if she’s interested in an open relationship. Remember that you have the power of decision to live your life how you choose. Respect your choice, and your partner’s, by being honest.  Good luck on your journey into living unapologetically free.


Glamazon Tyomi

Glamazon Tyomi knows all things sex. Don’t believe it? Just watch. Follow her @GlamazonTyomi.