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Wack-a$$, sellout Black men have been a part of our existence since we came to this country hundreds of years ago. Their sole purpose has been to disrupt Black progress and suck up to whatever white people they come in contact with. You can easily spot them as soon as they talk. They say things like “what about Black-on-Black crime?” or “we only march when police kill someone”—basically anything Jasper Williams said at Aretha Franklin’s funeral.

But how do we spot these men when they don’t speak? How do we know we have a trash, sellout Black man in our midst? The telltale sign is right there in plain sight. It’s their hairline.

Join CASSIUS for this in-depth investigation: do all sellout Black men have jacked up hairlines? Read along while we clear out space on our shelves for our Pulitzers.

Exhibit A: The Trash Hairlines of Problematic Black Men

First, we have to see exactly who fits the description of trash, sellout Black men. The answers should be easy. Of course, there’s the leading Black person in Trump’s cabinet, Ben Carson. His hairline has never been tight. It looks like he lines his hair with a stethoscope. And actually, it seems like his hairline has gotten worse the more anti-Black he became. The Ben Carson that split Siamese twins? Crisp.

In fact, Black men who hang around Donald Trump all got jacked up lines.

Look at when the camera pans around to show all the preachers endorsing Trump. Nary a crisp hairline to be found. Now, you may look at Darrell Scott and think, “hey, he’s got a nice lineup,” right? Well, look closely. I refuse to believe that’s natural. That’s a hairline paid for with tithe money. That’s a building fund hairline.

Speaking of fake hairlines, Ray Lewis has been taking a stab at respectability politics for years and gave a whole Hall of Fame speech with a hairline sprayed on like it was deer antler juice.

Exhibit B: Why?

So why is this the case? Why do trash Black men have struggling hairlines? There are two answers here:

  1. They don’t like Black people enough to go to barbershops. Black barbershops are about more than haircuts. They’re about camaraderie, exchanging ideas, and trading recipes that properly season food. These Black men with jacked up hairlines clearly have no desire to fill their lives with any of those things. So they avoid Black barbershops and go to places like Super Cuts. Or they just use clippers. Whatever they use, it’s not something that lines up that head.
  2. God. That’s the only other explanation. God smiting these fools by hitting them where it hurts: their hairlines. Boom. Case closed.
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Exhibit C: The LeBron Conundrum

So what about LeBron James? He has the most trash hairline in celebrity existence, right? So what caused that? How is he born with such an affliction? Because, as you know, his hairline has been fading away since buddy was reading Old Man and the Sea in grade school. So, what’s the explanation? Hidden trash tendencies for LeBron? Is he a secret Trump agent?

No, LeBron is an outlier. God gave him a messed up hairline to remind him and the rest of us he’s human. LeBron can’t fly too close to the sun, and that hairline keeps him planted firmly on Earth’s soil. That’s an Icarus hairline.


Yes, trash Black men have jacked up hairlines most of the time. But are all men with trash hairlines trash? Not necessarily. See, it’s all so complicated. But what’s simple is that if you hear trash words coming from Black men, then nine times out of 10 you can look a few inches above their mouths and see the jagged, tattered lines of mishaps and fuzzy edges.

You’re welcome.