Sex by Location

Source: iOne Creative / iOne Creative

Let’s be real: sometimes when you get the itch, all you need is a door to close to scratch it.

Sex by Location is your go-to guide on how to get it on and poppin’ in every nook, cranny and crevice — in public, that is.

This week we’re starting with a classic: the fitting room.

Dressing rooms are a great place for quickies because at least one party is already semi-naked and, if you’re into being heard by others, there’s a good chance your wish will come true. Still, there are some things you should consider when doing the nasty with bae in your favorite shop’s stall.

STORE NORMS

In the heat of the moment, you might not be thinking about whether or not H&M is going to be a better place to get it in than Nordstrom. But the venue’s cultural norms—such as the size of the fitting room, foot traffic of the sales people and proximity to other guest—will determine if your locale is a stroke of genius or just give you enough time for a time off. Essentially, if they’re asking how many items you have, issa dub. Take the L and go to the Rainbows next door.

LOW LAG TIME

There is at least one person in the store whose only job is to make sure all of your needs are met while you’re trying on clothes. He or she isn’t going to give you an hour to bust your dream nut. Give yourself about 5-10 minutes max to get your rocks off in this scenario, by then you’ll either have a sales assistant calling for security… or asking for a threesome.

WHISPER WHILE YOU WORK 

While the loud, fun music and incessant chatter that fills shopping centers might lead you to believe that low groans and high-octave moans won’t be heard, put your whorish wails on silent. You’re still in a place where people can be walk within a couple feet of you doing the nasty at any moment. You’re gonna want to keep your mouths shut — unless you’re whispering a few nasty things into each other’s ear.