Cassius Life Featured Video
Serious African American man sitting on bed

Source: DreamPictures / Getty

Each week, CASSIUS’ sexpert Glamazon Tyomi answers questions from clients and fans. This time, she tackles a letter from a man who worries that masturbating is sabotaging his sex life. Read on.

Hey Tyomi,

I’m wondering if you know anything about how to make masturbation more effective. I made a video of myself while I was masturbating and I didn’t like what I saw when I watched the playback. Frankly, I just recently started to understand how important sex can be when it comes to helping people connect. Now I’m realizing I’ve been using images of women to get off without much other thought, and it’s negatively impacting my sex life. I’m not connecting with others, or myself. I have a big d*ck and I just want sex to be pleasurable for myself and for my partners. I really need your help with this one.

One love,


Hey AK,

I want to begin by saying that I appreciate your honesty about your sexual journey.

You can have the sex life you want. When masturbating, people often focus on “getting to the nut” or having an orgasm, which places pressure on the mind and body to reach that outcome. You can become so fixated on getting to the end that you’re not even paying attention to the pleasure process. This is what causes the disconnection.

To combat it, try releasing the expectation of reaching orgasm and going into the experience just to enjoy the pleasure of it. Next, set aside at least an hour for your self-pleasure practice. Don’t focus on rushing, shame, or anxiety. Just pleasure.

You can further check in with yourself by removing your typical source of erotic arousal, which is porn. When you’re focused more on the acts being performed on the screen instead of how your hand feels wrapped around your lingam (sacred word for penis), you’re disconnecting from your body. When you decide to get into a pleasuring session with yourself, leave your computer and phone outside of the room where the act will take place, and leave your TV off. Ditch the nude magazines or photos of beautiful women and use your mind to fantasize. Using your mind to connect instead of external stimuli assists with your mind-body connection.

Have fun. In tantra, we refer to the act of masturbation as self-pleasuring to assist in deprogramming society’s stigma, which leads me to my final suggestion: Try reframing masturbation from a moment in time to cum, to a practice of self-pleasure where experiencing joy is the goal.

I hope what I’ve shared helps!

With love,

Glamazon Tyomi