A tweet about sex, relationships and consent recently came across my timeline. Needless to say, I was concerned:
“If she gets in the car with you and comes to your house it is generally okay to have sex with her.” —Anonymous
I’d never seen a statement about consent that was so incorrect and problematic. The man behind the tweet seemed to believe that a woman entering his personal space was enough for him to assume she wanted to get it in. And the number of retweets his comment received in agreement was just as alarming. Issues around sexual consent are a major concern worldwide, and a general lack of clarity on what “yes” really looks like is one of the leading reasons sexual assault is still prevalent.
Let’s be clear: there is no substitute for getting clear consent in the moment. If your partner did not give you a clear yes, then ISSA NO.
If you are unsure of what acting on suggestion looks like versus obtaining clear consent, this guide covers common scenarios you might find yourself in—and how to make sure you have a firm yes before you play.
She Dresses Sexy
Seeing someone in clothing that is revealing or form fitting isn’t an invitation for you to touch them or make sexual advances. The visual they’ve created with their clothing may be arousing to you, and yes, she may be wearing the item for attention, but that does not give you permission to invade her space. You always have to get the oral green light before acting on your sexual desire. You can share your thoughts about how the outfit is making you feel by saying something like, “Seeing you in that dress turns me on.” You can even be more blunt and let the her know what you’d like to do. However, no physical interaction can start until you ask for, and receive, consent.
She Comes To Your House or Accepts a Car Ride
There are plenty of scenarios where you end up alone with someone you’re attracted to in an intimate setting. Whether it’s a car ride, a Netflix and chill inside night or a secluded corner at a party, private moments don’t grant consent. That’s right: if a woman agrees to lie next to you in your bed and watch TV, that does not mean she is saying yes to sex. So what should you do? If you’re feeling hot and you want to play, ask directly. Don’t try to “influence” her via seduction or assertive suggestion. You can say something along the lines of, “I want to be inside of you. Can I?” The goal is to get into the habit of making your intentions clear and asking your partner for their willing participation.
She Posts Freaky Images on Social Media
Just because a person openly expresses their sexuality doesn’t mean you have an all-access pass to their orifices. Everyone has the right to free speech and expression, and social media is often used as a stage. You may see what they post about sex and become aroused at the idea of interacting with that person sexually. However, it’s a violation to make a sexual pass at them based on their public expression. If you end up meeting your WCW in real life and you want to act out your fantasies, make sure you gain her interest first. Talk about the things they post online. This will lead to the inevitable question of, “Can you see yourself doing those things with me?” If you’re open, they will likely respond authentically.
She’s Said Yes Before
Just because they said yes to sex with you yesterday does not mean your partner is okay with having sex with you now. You must get consent each and every time. Everyone has the right to change their mind—even if it’s in the heat of the moment and even if you already have a hard on. Remember, things can change from moment to moment and consent is the thing that stands between you and sexual assault.
Glamazon Tyomi is a CASSIUS’ resident sex expert. Check out more of her work at SexpertTyomi.com.
