So your girl just came out to you… apparently she likes women, too. Your head is spinning. You have all types of thoughts rolling though your mind. You’ve never experienced this before and have some very real questions. Should you ask them? Absolutely. But it’s important to be mindful of how. According to National Health Statistics Reports, 17. 4 % of women had some girl-on-girl action in their lifetime, but it runs the gamut from kissing to full on relationships. That means if your lady says she’s “bi” it can mean a lot of different things. It’s fun to let your mind run wild when it comes to imagining freaky threesomes, but if you want more you need to have a really grown up conversation. Here are a few do’s and don’ts when it comes to”the talk.”
Don’t hit her with, “It was just a phase, right?”
“‘Is this a phase?’ is a question most bisexuals have experienced at some point in their journey,” says sexpert Vee of DVpassion. Vee is married, bisexual and coaches other couples who fall into this dynamic. “Asking this question of your partner can appear to her as you not taking her serious.” She may become apprehensive in the future to open up to you.” Instead, think about what you really want to know, which can be anything from whether she can commit to a monogamous relationship with one gender or if she is open to engaging in group sex. Be honest with yourself.
OR, “When can we have our first threesome?”
Your mate’s bisexuality isn’t an open invitation for you to bring another woman into the bedroom to play out your fantasies. Her attraction to women is completely separate from her attraction to men, or group sex. Her coming out to you isn’t for your entertainment but for her liberation. If ever she chooses to engage with you and one of her love interests, she will invite you to have a conversation to discuss your pending play time.
OR, “So this means we are in an open relationship now, right?”
Bisexuality isn’t a calling card for an open relationship, either. Just because she is attracted to both sexes doesn’t mean she wants to subscribe to having multiple, ongoing, separate relationships. Exercising your freedom to love whoever you choose within a relationship requires communication and mutual agreement. You two must be on the same page. Coming out doesn’t grant permission for this. Don’t make assumptions, bro.
OR, “Is my d*ck not enough for you?”
The news of your girl coming out may have you feeling some type of way. Your ego may be bruised a bit. You may feel as if you’re inadequate sexually because she’s admitted that she is attracted to women. However, her sexual preferences aren’t about you. Her attraction to women has nothing to do with your sex skills or your sex tools. Keep your d-ck out of the conversation.
Do ask, “How long have you known you are bisexual?”
“Asking when this all began is a great way to get your partner to open up about their identity,” says Vee. “Coming out can be scary for many, but having your partner support you by wanting to get to know you authentically is comforting.” When asking this question, take note of how you’re feeling on the inside and be honest with your partner. Having this conversation is the first step towards acceptance for both partners.
AND, “How can I support you?”
Asking allows her to tell you exactly what she needs from you in order to live out her identity authentically and to be completely honest about what she wants. It also gives you a chance to see if it’s really something you want to pursue. This question is empowering and can assist in building a stronger bond between the two of you. People are rarely asked by their partners how they can be supported in terms of intimacy and identity, especially those who are LGBTQ. Show her that you’re there for her by granting her the permission to ask for exactly what she needs from you.
AND, “Does this mean you would like to date other people?”
This is innately different from the threesome ask because this isn’t leading with lust (even if you feel it). It’s natural to think about how her bisexuality could play out within your relationship, especially in the form of relating to other people. “Being bisexual means she enjoys intimacy with both sexes, so it is very important to continue to talk about future interactions,” explains Vee. Your girl may want to have a girlfriend that is exclusively a relationship that doesn’t involve you. And if this is the case, give her space to communicate her desires before determining what’s next.
AND, “What does this mean for us?”
All in all, you want to know what her bisexuality means for your relationship, and this is okay to ask. You want to know how this will affect your connection. Don’t be afraid to ask this. When you ask her this question make sure you’re sincere in positioning this not as a question of ultimatum but understanding. Prepare to listen and take in what she has to say about your positioning in her life.
Glamazon Tyomi is CASSIUS’ resident sexpert. Plus, she gets it popping on video. Don’t believe it? Just watch @glamazontyomi.