Teardrop by Diana Ong, computer graphics, 1999

Source: Diana Ong / Getty

 

The attempts of certain white women to match the unmitigated gall that powers so many of their male counterparts must not be lost to the notion that ‘The Man’ is the sole actor abusing people of color, and the past few weeks have provided us a few outstanding examples. The UK political candidate who held up a picture of her husband and declared, “I sleep with someone who is Black!” as she challenged accusations of racism stemming from her pro-Brexit stance and the customer who went on a racist tirade against a Spanish-speaking employee in a cell phone store (citing her biracial children as proof that she cannot actually be bigoted) both demonstrate advanced achievement in the subjects of Peak Caucasity and White Female Entitlement.

However, these remarkable Miss Ann-tics do not hold a candle to the efforts of Valarie Smith to prove that she, and only she, is the most miserable racist white broad on the planet.

In case you missed it, Smith, a candidate for a trustee position on the Southampton Village Board, made headlines outside of her small New York community after a local paper revealed that she made a (relatively unsurprising) call to local police last summer, complaining that “a bunch of niggers” were hanging outside of her home, “drinking Hennessy.”

In a phone interview, The Southampton Press confirmed with Smith that she did, in fact use that language in the August 2016 complaint. However, she didn’t feel a need to apologize or step back from her comments. She actually doubled all the way down, dropping a few more n-bombs while speaking to reporter Greg Wehner and citing dated pop culture references and her status as a white “pioneer” in her community as proof that she has every right to use the word as she please.

No, really.

According to The Press, the 53-year-old pointed to Eddie Murphy’s standup career and a single 1974 episode of All in the Family (in which a Black character used the word) ­ to remind you snowflakes that you can take your identity politics (and your brown liquor) and get off her Caucasian lawn.

“Now, all of a sudden, I can’t use it?” she told Wehner, before pulling out a classic, well-trod racist apologia: “Sorry—I live in a black neighborhood. I came here and didn’t see color.” (Emphasis mine)

Though Smith may not have ‘seen’ color, she did peep that her home was a “rodent-infested dump” before she moved in nearly six years ago. Maybe those Blacks who have the good fortune of living alongside her should be a bit more grateful and just let that whole “nigger” thing slide. After all, she’s been working diligently to keep the neighborhood safe.

You see, it wasn’t just that one group of Hennessy “niggers” that gave her pause. A spokesperson for the Southampton Village Police Department told The Press that Smith has called them “between 100 and 200 times” since bringing her colorblindedness to town, typically with gripes about “litter, noise, illegal parking and public drinking.”

The bigly-qualified candidate confirmed the calls and also boasted of taking matters into her own hands on at least one occasion, stepping outside to yell “You f*cking niggers” at a group of people who’d allegedly kept her from sleeping with all their niggering about. She claims they left, but were again outside her residence the following night, at which point she lectured one gentleman about how to avoid being such “a nigger.”

Let this be a cautionary tale for all you cognac-sipping hooligans out there: the Valarie Smiths of the world have come to colonize your garbage-filled ghettos and they have no problem telling the cops when and where to get your Black ass out of there. Consider drinking your brown-bag covered bottles in the comfort of your home, ideally in a neighborhood that doesn’t appeal to any lurking “pioneers,” or at least having some taste and manners—get you some shiraz or pinot noir or cocaine.

In all seriousness, this is a reminder for people of color to keep a close eye on neighbors like Smith; most of them may have more tact than to use the word ‘nigger’ so cavalierly, but that doesn’t mean they won’t clog up police hotlines with complaints over people who suspiciously look like the ones who inhabited the ‘hood before they arrived.

As for Smith, it’s hard to believe this spate of bad press would stymie her political ambitions. Really, why the hell would it? Donald Trump is president. There is little reason for people like her to believe that they cannot follow in the footsteps of their racist-ass ancestors and prosper, thanks to the ways in which whiteness means never having to say “I’m sorry,” never having to respect the humanity of other races and consistently being rewarded for being a perpetual petulant child. Must be f*cking nice.