Game of Thrones s8 e3

Source: Helen Sloan/HBO / Helen Sloan/HBO

Last week on Game of Thrones everyone was BIG HORNY waiting for the arrival of the Night King. Finally, television’s most prominent villain and his army of wights showed up and showed the hell out in the most extended episode of the season clocking in 82 minutes. If you think we didn’t have time for this battle, yes the hell we did, we have only been waiting forever to see this showdown and besides I watched Avengers: Endgame twice so this is nothing.

 

The North Got Its Ass Whooped Early 

Game of Thrones s8 e3

Source: Helen Sloan/HBO

The episode opens up with everyone still getting ready for war with some of the participants poised for battle while others nervously look on into the darkness where their doom awaits. Sir Jorah of the friend zone is leading the first wave with an army of Dothraki warriors behind him. Before they do what they do best and savagely head off to kick off the Battle of Winterfell a familiar face pops up. It’s none other than the infamous Red Witch, Melisandre, and instead of being a waste of space she proves to be quite useful right out the gate.

Using her powerful magical skills bestowed upon her by the Lord of Light, she ignites all of the Dothraki’s swords on fire in a magnificent spectacle. Despite her doing them a solid, Sir Davos still wants to put her on a spike, but she reassures him that there won’t be no need for that because she will be dead by sunrise. Oh you know they were hyped now, and they should be, magic is on their side as well. Led by Jorah, they charge into the vast darkness to take on the things that go bump in the night flaming swords held high. The sea of light quickly dims as the horde of undead overwhelm the army of Dothraki riders rapidly killing them all except for Jorah and few stragglers who managed to survive the onslaught.

With the sh*t quickly hitting the fan the wights engage with the remaining army comprised of the Unsullied (who fought nobly) and other fighters led by Grey Worm, Jamie, Brienne, Samwell (who should have taken his ass in the crypt), Eddison Tollett, Tormund, The Hound, Beric, and Podrick. They proved to be no match for the relentlessness of their undead foes who don’t tire and smartly decided to get the hell out of dodge.

While they ran inside after getting their asses whooped collectively, the Unsullied protected them. They had a plan to light the trenches with Dragon Fire but unfortunately, due to the Night King doing his best Storm from the X-Men impression and calling on a magical snowstorm, Dany couldn’t see the signal to light it. With the air bitter cold, fire arrows were not helping, so Melisandre came back out with the Unsullied as her bodyguards, and she prayed to Lord of Light to ignite the trench keeping the wights at bay for now allowing the defenders of man to catch their breath for a minute basically halftime. It didn’t seem as if he was listening to her ass at all, but he finally came through and answered her prayers. The break in the action won’t last too long though.

Keep in mind all of this happened without the Night King even being present! Oh, and thanks to Sam’s punk ass we lost the Lord Commander of Night’s Watch, Eddison, who fought valiantly, but his watch has finally ended.

Round Two Goes To The Wights

Game of Thrones s8 e3

Source: Helen Sloan/HBO / Helen Sloan/HBO

Despite Melisandre lighting the trench with her powerful magic, that still proves to not be enough to stop the dead from coming. The Night King telepathically instructs a few wights to sacrifice themselves forming a bridge so the rest can squeeze through and continue slaughtering folks. Looking like a scene out of World War Z, the wights climb up the wall like ants till they reach the top throwing themselves over inside of Winterfell.

The battle quickly gets intense to the point where the hound has a panic attack because he feels its pointless to battle death. Beric tries is best to get him back in the game and eventually does pointing to Arya who was handing out fades left and right to zombies who dare get in her way. After she gets overwhelmed, she escapes to the inside of the castle, after finding his courage in watching her handle herself The Hound and Beric go after her.

Meanwhile, in the belly of Winterfell our favorite Lady Mormont is leading the charge but encounters a giant wight. Upon entry, the dead giant knocks her out of the picture like Hulk did to Loki, but she doesn’t stay down. In a last valiant effort, she picks up her dragon glass ax and charges at the undead behemoth and scoops her like a child does a damn Barbie doll. He squeezes the young Lady of Bear Island, crushing her bones, but she still has the energy to pull out her dragon glass dagger and stab him in the eye killing the giant zombie as her final act of heroism.

Salute to Lady Mormont for going out like Cleo in Set It Off— the North will always remember.

Jorah Died Fighting To Get Out of The Friend Zone

Game of Thrones s8 e3

Source: Helen Sloan/HBO / Helen Sloan/HBO

Jon and his Auntie/boo thang Daenerys take to the air to provide some dragon air support with Drogon and Rhaegal. Their air dominance quickly goes away when the Night King riding undead Viserion shows up to play. We get an epic air battle between the two Dragons Rhaegal and Viserion with Jon’s dragon managing to knock the Nigth King off his dead flying ice fire-breathing lizard.

With him, on the ground, Daenerys sees her chance to turn his ass into a puddle and orders Drogon to rain fire down on him. Of course, it didn’t work, so all she managed to do was piss him off him even more. Once it’s revealed he can’t even be harmed by dragon fire, he gives her a smirk and walks away. Jon is also on the ground now and wants all the smoke with the Night King and chases after him. He knows he is going after his brother, GoT Professor X aka Bran who is conveniently located in the Godswood.

Anyway, the Night King stops and faces Jon… Or should we call him Aegon now? He realizes what’s about to happen, but it’s too late. Realizing his numbers are depleted hedecides to enlist some new recruits, and he’s got a fresh batch of Dothraki, Unsullied and Northerners to use thanks to Jon. Snow just wanted to shoot the fair one with the Night King, but if we keeping it a buck, it would seem he wanted no smoke with Jon at all leaving him as a present to his new zombie recruits.

Things are looking bleak for Jon, but Daenerys swoops in at the right time and turns the wights that surrounded Jon into BBQ. Jon runs off after the Night King and Daenerys and Drogon are soon overwhelmed by walkers. She falls off her Dragon who looks like he is covered in ants and eventually takes off leaving his mother to fend herself. Things are looking bleak for Dany, but her Jorah arrives to save his queen. He puts up a valiant fight fending off the dead getting stabbed left and right taking the hits allowing his Queen to get some kills.

When the dust settles Jorah dies doing what he loves the most serving Daenerys but its damn shame she never let him sniff that thang one time. RIP to the one person who fought till his death to get out the dreaded friend zone.

Chilling In The Crypt Was A Dumb Idea

Game of Thrones s8 e3

Source: Helen Sloan/HBO / Helen Sloan/HBO

While all of the able-bodied warriors are topside doing their best to fend off what seems like an endless wave of walking corpses, the weak are chilling in the crypts of Winterfell. Sansa at the bidding of her sister Arya armed her with a dragon glass spear after she realized sh*t is going to get real, told her to take her spicy ass down below. All throughout last weeks episode the women, children, Tyrion and Varys were all instructed that the crypt would be the safest place for them to be during the epic battle. We soon learned that it is definitely not the case.

Before things got extra crazy down below, Sansa and Tyrion had another moment to reflect on their marriage. It would seem she was open to being his wife but states it would have worked because of Daenerys. Well while the Night King was up top replenishing the numbers, his spell to raise the dead made it down into the crypt, and you guessed it, the dead Starks buried down there come to life and attack everyone.  Tyrion and Sansa hide and have one tender moment before they decide to face their fear before the actions of Arya (we will get to that) save their lives.

The Night King Blows A 20-1 Lead

Game of Thrones s8 e3

Source: Helen Sloan/HBO / Helen Sloan/HBO

We are now in the final act, and it looks like Night King and his White Walkers with the great hair have this all wrapped up. Winterfell’s defenses are spread thinner than Sansa’s white lips, and the wights have pretty much flooded the castle. Arya is now trying her best to evade White Walkers creeping past them like the protagonist hiding from the crazy ass Baker family in Resident Evil VII. She manages to elude them while in the library but is quickly overwhelmed, it’s not looking good for the young Stark, but she is saved when the Hound and Beric show up.

While they are trying to get away Beric who threw his cool ass flaming sword at a wight to save Arya sacrifices himself to ensure that the hound and Arya get away. In doing so, he is stabbed numerous times but gives them enough time to run into another room. He follows them inside but quickly succumbs to his wounds, we are losing cast members left and right but as long its not a Stark we are good. They are not alone in the room, it would seem Beric was leading them directly to Melisandre who was waiting for them. She tells them that Beric served whatever his purposed was and it was to make sure Arya makes it safely to that moment.

Ayra recalls meeting Melisandre a few seasons back, the witch reminds her that she saw eyes of those she killed in the darkness inside her, “brown eyes, blue eyes, green eyes.” If you guessed the “blue eyes” belonged to the Night King, you win cause after their conversation Arya takes off to update her kill list.

Meanwhile, poor Jon is trying his best to make to his brother who is about to encounter the Night King as planned. Unfortunately for Aegon, he has to deal with the giant undead dragon that won’t seem to let him get to his final destination. While Jon is taking on Viserion, Theon is doing his best to protect Bran while in the Godswood located in Winterfell. The penisless Greyjoy is the last one standing, after successfully and tirelessly fending off a bunch of wights but that will be the least of his troubles when the Night King flanked by his White Walker generals.

Bran who decided to Warg into a bunch of ravens when sh*t got crazy finally returns to his body and tells Theon thank you and that he is a good man. Theon realizes that his time has come to an end rushes the Night King but is easily killed with his own spear. Damn, we lost another one. Bran and the Night King have an epic stare down and with would seem like Bran is about to bite the dust. But Ayra comes out of nowhere and before she can deliver the final blow the Night King catches her. Using her skills as an assassin, she drops the Valyrian steel dagger to her other hand striking the cocky zombie king saving Winterfell in the process. Now if you recall back in Season 7 Bran gave that knife that was meant to kill him to his sister and low and behold.

Look at all of these full circle moments happening this season. Now before we go there was one more death to report. Melisandre who we think is the MVP kept her word to Sir Davos. After the Battle of Winterfell, she removed the magic choker that kept her young and turned to dust as if Thanos himself snapped her ass away. But we gotta tip our hat because if it wasn’t for the red witch, they might not have won The Great War at all.

So when the dust settled here is who is still alive: Jon, Arya, Bran, Daenerys, Tormund, Jamie, Podrick, Tyrion, Sansa, Missandei, Varys, Gilly, Little Sam, Sandor, Samwell, Davos, Rhaegal, Grey Worm and Ghost. Is what’s left of their armies be enough to take on Cersei in King’s Landing? We will have to wait and see come next week.

 

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