Each week, CASSIUS’ resident sex expert Glamazon Tyomi answers questions from clients and fans. This week, she addresses a letter from a man who just found out his girl wasn’t born a woman. Now he’s questioning his sexual preference, their love, and whether they can—or should—be together.
Thank you for taking the time to read my message. I honestly don’t have anyone else to talk to about this and I don’t know how to deal. I’ve been dating this girl for almost a year now and I’m madly in love with her. We’ve spent practically every day together since we met. She’s met my parents and all of my friends and everyone in my life says we are a perfect match. She’s smart, funny, and our sex is amazing, but recently she dropped a bomb on me. She told me that she was born a man and had a sex change when she was 16. I’m hurt. I feel like she betrayed me. How could she keep something like this from me for so long? Why wouldn’t she tell me when we first got together? I could tell that she was nervous about how I would take the news, so I didn’t say anything when she told me. I just walked off and I haven’t spoken to her since. It’s been two weeks now, and I’m feeling confused. Am I gay? Does this mean I’m attracted to men? I love her, but I really don’t know what to do about this situation. My family and friends have been asking me about her and why she hasn’t been around in a while, and I don’t even have an answer. Other than her lying to me about who she is, she’s an amazing person. How can I get over this? I don’t want to break up with her. I’m confused AF. What’s your advice? I desperately need it.—Confused
It’s understandable that you feel betrayed because your girlfriend didn’t reveal her transitional surgery to you in the beginning of your relationship. Your emotions are valid and fair. But there are some other things that I want you to consider. The woman you love has not had an easy journey.
Let’s start with the elephant in the room: she was born into a body that didn’t reflect her gender identity or expression. Imagine how hard that experience must have been for her. Without knowing her story, consider the common threads in narratives shared by courageous men and women in the LGBTQ community. Transgender women are often the targets of abuse and violence. They are subjected to open bullying of and sometimes disowned by their families. Many people in this community end up living in shelters or on the streets. It’s not an easy life. I don’t know your girl’s back story, but chances are she’s faced some major hardships to get to this point of confidence and strength. Be compassionate. Understand the ‘whys’ behind her decision to delay telling you about the gender she was assigned at birth.
Regarding your sexual preference, don’t let homophobia blind you to the facts. You were drawn to a woman. If your primary attraction is to women, whether trans or cisgendered, then you’re heterosexual.
Stop running. You have to decide what matters most: being in a healthy relationship or your discomfort with your lady’s past. Once you make that decision, let your lady know where you stand. If you decide to move forward as couple, understand that it is perfectly acceptable to treat her history as a private matter. Your family and friends don’t have to know about her birth sex—unless she wants them to.
Your girl shared the truth with you because she felt safe enough to do so, not to hurt you. It’s time to face her and tell her how you feel, without attack. Be honest about your confusion. Champion her courage in coming forward, telling you the truth, and talking things out. Listen, and remember the love you have for her. Go with your heart, not fear.
Be at peace brother,
Glamazon Tyomi knows all things sex. Don’t believe it? Just watch. Follow her @GlamazonTyomi.