BRUHstrology: How It’s Goin’ Down (Week of 04/01/18)

BRUHstrology is where the astral plane and corner store meet. With the expert help of astrologer Janelle Belgrave (and our resident BRUHstrologer, Bruce Goodwin II), CASSIUS decodes your horoscope so you don’t have to. Here’s what’s on deck for the week of April 1, 2018.

Aries

The Astrologer Says:

You know the adag,e “If you can’t say something nice…”? Let that be your mantra for this week. Mercury retrograde is having tense conversations with Mars and Saturn in Capricorn. Let’s put it like this: your words may come out harsher than they need to and it could cost you a few social cred points with people who have more clout than you do. Keep it cute and to the point. Nothing extra.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

Stop being so sassy, bro. Watch how you say things because they can easily be misconstrued. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Or if you don’t have anything nice to say, shutting the fuck up is always an option! As Drake before the beard once said, “Nothing’s heard when nothing’s spoken.”

Leo

The Astrologer Says:

So what is the “truth,” Leo? This is the big question for this week. Mercury retrograde is helping you figure out whether or not your hardheld beliefs match up with what you actually do each day. Sometimes the only way to test a system is to see if it has practical application. Don’t hold on to what doesn’t work because it sounds good in your head but has no practical function in your life. That’s just… hypocrisy.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

Still no clue as to what a Mercury retrograde is, but apparently it’s kicking your ass. Let go of all things you think you should. That homie who still drinks every Friday and Saturday night at 30 years old? It’s over for that, bro. Buy a house and settle down. All the money you save on dark liquor will make a nice down payment.

Sagittarius

The Astrologer Says:

Back to the drawing board, Sadge. You need a game plan on how to monetize your side projects because they’re competing for your attention and it’s making you feel unhappy. Put aside the idea that what you want is impractical. Plenty of people turn hobbies into money makers, so why can’t you? Get clear on what you want to do every day for fun, then brainstorm ways you can have the fun making your bottomline a little fatter. Imagine it was a Virgo who once said, “You musn’t be afraid to dream a bit bigger, darling.” Tuh!

The BRUHstrologer Says:

Telling a girl at a bar that you moonlight as a graphic designer is only cool if you get paid to do it. Turn that hobby into something worthwhile so that rainy day fund is lit. Just don’t go spend that rainy day fund on new jordans… Spend it on Timbs instead so you can actually wear them when it’s raining.

Taurus

The Astrologer Says:

This would be a great week to go full Stevie Nicks or Erykah Badu, depending on your aesthetic. Do things that encourage a deep sense of self-worth while you contemplate the mysteries of the Universe. You can already sense that you’re approaching a major life shift, so you might as well look good— pretty soon nothing will be the same, except for you looking flawless.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

Nothing was the same. Things around you are shifting before your eyes but you’re liking your new surroundings. So chill and invest in yourself this weekend. Even if that means listening to It’s Dark And Hell Is Hot all weekend and pour one out for DMX only getting a year in prison.

Virgo

The Astrologer Says:

If you’re having feelings of self-doubt in regards to your creative endeavors, don’t, Virgo. Even the seemingly frivolous things have purpose and meaning. Art is powerful, and to be able to create it is meaningful. Look at the chaos in your life (and in the world at large) and transform that tension into something beautifully functional. You too can help save humanity with your visions for a healthier world. Brainstorm, then get to work.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

Let that creativity flow. Most people aren’t able to turn their hurt into art and get paid for it. But luckily, you are. “If you gotta go through trauma I’ma make it look sexy,” is how that Kendrick lyric goes, right? Right.

Capricorn

The Astrologer Says:

You’re charged up and looking like Sea Goat Voltron with Mars and Saturn in your sign this week, but all that power can smash things to pieces at home if you’re not careful. If you get criticism that you’re doing the most, rein it in and move with more precision. It doesn’t have to be a You vs. Them situation. If you’re creative, you can turn it into a you-being-so-awesome-that-they-benefit-from-your-awesomeness-too situation. So focus your laser beams in such a way that everyone wins.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

Keep that same energy. And if not, don’t exhibit said energy in the first place. Simple as that.

Gemini

The Astrologer Says:

A famous Gemini once said: “You can get the money, you can get the power, but keep your eyes on the Final Hour!” It is and it isn’t that deep, Gemini. When collaborating to instigate change, remember that it’s a team effort and you don’t have to hold the reins of power so tightly. When you find yourself slipping into crazy Gemini territory, ask yourself if the ends justify the means. Remember that you do what you do forthe greater good, not your ego.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

You’re not the only one who thought that the first line was going to end with a Lil’ Kim lyric. But the sentiment is still the same— keep everything in check without going overboard. Geminis are known to be crazy, just look at Kanye West as an example. Just make sure your crazy justifies your talent.

Libra

The Astrologer Says:

You gotta cool it now, Libra. You’ve been a bit of a terror at home and you’re upsetting the balance of your relationships. What is it that you actually want to accomplish? Instead of fighting with your loved ones, invite them to help you get it done. Otherwise, you’ll create disharmony that starts to upset other areas of your life, and you definitely don’t want that. It’s okay to not to have it all together. You’re human, after all.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

You’ve been wylin out and need to chill. Stop fighting with the squad and apologize for calling your friend’s new prospect ugly in the group chat. It’s rude. Hilarious, but rude. If you keep it up it’ll spill into other areas of your life, and the last thing you need is that personal karma spilling over into your professional life.

Aquarius

The Astrologer Says:

The water signs aren’t the only psychic ones of the zodiac, Water Bearer. In fact, you tend to pick up on a ton of information both seen and unseen. If you feel like your wires are getting crossed and you’re unable to differentiate the material world from the energetic world, pull back. Seclusion and quiet time at home doing the basic things like washing dishes or folding laundry will help ground you while fine tuning your antennas for all the messages coming in.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

Protect your energy. You know how you do that? By pulling back a bit. You’re so in tune with everything that it can all be overwhelming and fuck up your energy. So take a break from it all and binge watch a new show. Word on the street is that On My Block is fire, and could make a potentially great Netflix & Chill show. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Cancer

The Astrologer Says:

You may feel like people are taking swings at you for no reason, Cancer. That may or may not be true; right now people want to see receipts for your work. It could be that you’re overthinking things with Mercury going retrograde in your Career Sector and your spinning is driving your partners and co-workers crazy. It’s really not that complicated, and you don’t have to do everything alone. Try inviting others in for support and watch your workload lighten dramatically.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Whether it’s asking your friends to hold some bread or asking someone else to buy a round for once. Ask for help every once in a while and watch how much better you feel. That’s what friends are for.

Scorpio

The Astrologer Says:

Don’t overthink the details or else you’ll get lost in the weeds of what’s relevant info and what’s just mental masturbation. If you’re going to be teaching others stick to the facts, then fill it in with relatable content. You want to make a lasting impression, so review your notes, toss the extra fluff, and stick to what matters. Your audience will appreciate your uncanny ability to get down to the root of the subject at hand.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

Cut the fat and get to it. You know what you gotta get done so stop beating around the bush and do that big thing you’ve been putting off. Fund your mixtape, King.

Pisces

The Astrologer Says:

Going with the flow is normally your thing, we know, but sometimes you have to put up a hand to say no. Practice boundaries this week, Pisces, especially when it comes to your friends and the organizations that you take part in. You won’t be of much use to anyone if you overextend yourself and your bank account trying to keep up with the crowd. Practice self care first. When you feel filled up, then you can start to give to others with discernment.

The BRUHstrologer Says:

No, no and no. Learn your limits and stop letting people walk all over you. You deserve better. Self care is everything. Go to that fancy-ass barbershop in your hood and get the facial.

LAST WEEK’S SCOPES: BRUHstrology: How It’s Goin’ Down (Week of 03/25/18)