Arya Stark Loses Her Virginity On Game of Thrones

Last week’s season 8 premiere got the ball rolling on the final season with reunions we have waited forever for, magic dragon rides and Jon finally learning who the hell he really is. Last night’s episode (Apr.21) picks right up where the premiere left off with Jaimie’s one-handed self arriving into Winterfell after a long journey only to be greeted by stone-faced Bran.

In The Lions Den

Jaime is not well liked in these parts, and rightfully so as the man is behind the death of Daenerys’ father and his crazy son ordered the Stark’s children’s father Ned’s head be cut off. Jamie stubbornly states he won’t apologize for his actions being that his family was at war with those houses at the time. Now to be fair, Daenerys’ pops, Aerys II Targaryen was bat sh*t crazy aka the Donald Trump of Westeros, so Jaime did the Seven Kingdoms a favor by stabbing him in the back and slicing his throat. Anyway, the Kingslayer is not immediately welcomed with open arms, plus the army that Cersei promised is not with him hence why he is there in the first place.

Jaime, despite being a twin sister banging, pompous jerk, is still a noble knight, and he is there to honor his promise to help defend the world of the living from the army of the dead. Sansa and Daenerys don’t want his ass there, and it wasn’t looking good for Sir Jaime until Brienne of Tarth vouched for the disgraced Lannister. She explains how Jaime saved her from being brutally raped which cost him his hand and how he swore an oath to Sansa’s mother that she would return to Winterfell safely. After hearing Brienne cape for Jamie, Sansa decides to let him stay, Jon agrees as well-being that they will need his sword, so Dany is outnumbered in the vote.

Brienne saves Jamie’s hide from becoming Dragon food, but you can definitely sense there is some chemistry bubbling between them. Doth Brienne want Sir Jamie to unsheath his sword and have her tall, slender cakes knighted by Sir Jamie? It sure does seem that way.

Oh, and before we move on from this scene, there was a fascinating exchange between the boy formerly known as Bran and Jamie where the Three-Eyed Raven says “the things we do for love.” If you remember Jamie said “the things I do for love” before pushing then 10-year-old Bran out of a window when he caught the twin siblings bumping uglies.

The two later meet up to have the long-awaited conversation where Jamie finds out he basically changed Bran’s life after the push. Bran is no more, and the only reason he didn’t tell on him during the meeting is that he wouldn’t have been able to help them as a dead man.

Jorah’s Forever Trapped In The Friend Zone

We all need someone in our lives as loyal as Jorah. The man wants to sniff Daenery’s panties so bad that he faithfully plays his role in the friend zone. Anyway, after he witnessed Daenerys drag her hand Tyrion for being fooled by his evil sister Cersei he decides to have a talk with “rightful” ruler of the Seven Kingdoms. Despite hating Tyrion for taking his job robbing him of the ability to be close to his Queen, Jorah pleads with her to be patient with Tyrion because of the fact he does learn from his mistakes.

She is surprised but takes his advice, he also insists that Daenerys have a conversation with Sansa to make things right between them. The Lady of Winterfell gave the Mother of Dragons an ice-cold reception when they first met, so Jorah thinks the two of them being on the same page will be in their best interest. She takes his suggestion and meets up with Sansa and the two, for the most part, find common ground being that they both hate the Lannisters. The truce quickly goes cold when Sansa asks Daenerys what’s going to happen when she gains control. What will happen with the North? Sansa and her family —who just got back their stolen land—aren’t too eager to give it up to anyone, but Daenerys isn’t trying to hear that.

Their meeting is interrupted by the announcement that Theon has arrived, and he is ready to help defend the land he once helped take away from the Starks with his life. We are very proud of Theon. For someone who lost his nuts physically, they are still there in spirit.

I’m Not Dying A Virgin

We literally watched the Stark children grow before our eyes, particularly Arya. We watched her blossom from an innocent tomboy into a stone-cold killer while utilizing any disguise she wants. We picked up on Ayra giving the blacksmith Gendry the eye when she found him crafting weapons. With the Night King and his army of dead painstakingly slowly making their way to Winterfell, S E X is in the air.

If your death is imminent of course, you don’t want to die without getting it on atleast once. After having a conversation with Robert Baratheon’s bastard and inquiring on the man’s body count, she reveals she wants him to pound on her like the Valyrian steel he uses to make swords. For a virgin, she is quite aggressive telling Gendry to take his own pants off before she mounts him like a horse.

Now we can’t front, it’s weird seeing Arya smash Gendry’s peen to smithereens (word to Bossip) at the same time we were also strangely proud too. You better get yourself some Arya. Some would say it even seemed like Arya and Gendry knocking boots was destiny.

Take A Walk Beyond The Wall For Some Giant’s Breastmilk

Tormund stole the show and supplied all of the comic relief in this episode. From the moment he arrived back in Winterfell it was nothing but straight jokes. Immediately he asks Jon after he tackles him, “is the big woman still here?” We learn why Tormund has a thing for women who are 6 feet and above when he decides to tell the story of how he got the name Giantsbane.

Before Tormund tells the tale of when he killed a giant when he was ten-years-old, he made sure to shoot his shot with Brienne being that they could die soon.  He then reveals he hopped in bed with the dead giant’s wife, thinking he was baby she proceeds to bless him with her giant titty and breastfeed him for three months claiming that’s how he got so strong. While Jaime, Tyrion, Podrick, Davos, Brienne are enjoying wine, Tormund throws back a healthy serving of giant’s milk—and he’s gonna need it for the fight that’s coming.

A touching moment does take place during this scene. Brienne who has been dreaming about being Knighted finally gets that honor. Tormund whom we also find out is a champion for women’s rights thinks his tall bae should be a Knight. Turns out Jamie believes so as well and he takes it upon himself to make it official. This is also worrying because it would seem the show is prepping us to say goodbye to Brienne now that her character arc is complete.

But What About The Iron Throne?

Jon is back in the creepy crypt looking at the grave and statue of his mother, Lady Lyanna Stark. Daenerys pops up behind him and mentions how Rhaegar raped her. Jon counters her and tells his Auntie/boo thang that “he loved her” and the rest of the truth proceeds to come out. He reveals that Lyanna and Rhaegar secretly wed and after Robert’s secret rebellion and Rhaegar’s death. Lyanna made her brother Ned swear to protect her son and raise him as his own bastard to protect him from the Lannisters and Robert.

Dany is still looking confused and is suddenly hit with the truth bomb that Jon’s real name is the Aegon Targaryen. She doesn’t believe him and finds the story super convenient being that the tea came from his brother Bran and best friend, Sam. Jon insists, and instead of being sick that she has been giving up that dragon box to her nephew, she’s more upset that Jon is now true heir to the throne. It goes to show just how power-hungry she is. But before the conversation gets intense, the horns sound meaning the Night King and his army has finally arrived.

It looks like the reason they took so long is that all of his generals had to get their Dominican blowouts for the impending battle. But seriously, it’s about to go down; the stage has been set, the weapons have been made, this is the moment we waited 8 seasons for. We have this strange feeling a lot of our favorites are going to die, and we are not ready.