African couple hugging in kitchen

Source: laindiapiaroa / Getty

Each week, CASSIUS’ resident sex expert Glamazon Tyomi answers questions from clients and fans. This week she tackles an issue from a guy who’s struggling with erectile dysfunction. There’s just one catch: He’s seen a bunch of doctors and it’s not a medical problem. Apparently, about three million guys suffer from this issue each year, so it’s a dilemma many people will encounter at some point. Read on.

Hey Glamazon,

You’re doing such a great job at what you do. Keep it up! I’m coming to you for advice for the first time ever. I’ve been having an issue with staying hard during sex, and it’s pretty embarrassing. I’ll meet someone, and we’ll hit it off. The sexual chemistry would be strong and everything. But when it’s time for sex my dick goes soft. I don’t know what’s going on. I went to my doctor (I know you recommend that often to your followers when something concerns us about our bodies). He said everything with my health checked out okay and that this all may be in my head. Is he telling the truth? I have the complete desire to knock it down when I hit the bedroom, but I haven’t had that home run yet. I have no issues getting erections when I’m aroused or pleasuring myself. What can I do to fix this issue, Glamazon? Please help!

Looking forward to your answers,

Signed Limp Nuts

Hey Limp Nuts,

Thanks for subscribing to my work! I appreciate the love and support. I want to begin by letting you know you’re not alone. In fact, there are about three million cases of erectile dysfunction (ED) reported annually. The most important thing to know is that ED isn’t a disease. It is a symptom that is pointing to a physical or psychological condition that is impeding upon your sexual response cycle. The solution is simple: You have to identify the root cause.

Since your doctor gave you a clean bill of health physically, and you can get erections when you’re masturbating, we know this is a mental issue. Performance anxiety is one of the major causes of impotence in men and can be remedied by reducing your stress levels.

The first thing that you can do to reduce your stress is practice deep breathing. It doesn’t have to be awkward. Just take a few moments before going into the sexual situation to close your eyes, slow your breath down and breathe deeply into your diaphragm expanding your belly when you inhale (if you’re already with your partner, make it a sensual moment by spooning while you do this). When you exhale, bring your abdomen back to its resting state, and repeat this slow breathing pattern as many times as you need. Slowing down your breathing assists your body in exiting the high anxiety mode our bodies are typically in from day to day. Meditation helps to break down resistance.

Release fear and the expectancy of failure from your mind. Empower yourself by reciting mantras to yourself before and during the experience. Examples of affirming mantras for you are, “I have complete control over my body,” or, “I got this.” Remember to always remind yourself that you’re healthy and fully capable of maintaining your erections.

Another power move would be talking to your partner about your concerns and working together to increase your comfort during intercourse. Start with massage and masturbation play, and graduate to intercourse.

You can also reduce stress and anxiety by working out, journaling your thoughts and feelings and talking to a counselor or therapist. When you run the “I have to stay hard” script in your head, you’re placing stress on your mind which is the largest sex organ. Relax and allow the brain to run its sexual response cycle—you will see results.

Let’s be clear: Change will require regular practice, so get to work. Your ideal sex life is waiting for you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a professional. You deserve ease and pleasure, and it’s all within your power to receive both.

Hope this helps!


Glamazon Tyomi knows all things sex. Don’t believe it? Just watch. Follow her @GlamazonTyomi.